Comments on: Can I Pay You To Punch My Mom?

By: Dennis Laganiere

Dennis Laganiere — Sun, 12 Apr 2009 20:52:32 +0000

“Good Friday” is the death sceen… “Easter” is the second act…

—D

By: mike not really

mike not really — Sun, 12 Apr 2009 20:44:02 +0000

So when we celebrate the death of Jesus is it a holy day or a holey day?

By: Dennis Laganiere

Dennis Laganiere — Sun, 12 Apr 2009 15:46:18 +0000

Happy Easter y’all…

I’m a bit of an agnostic… but I like chocolate…

–D

By: Kandiman

Kandiman — Sat, 11 Apr 2009 11:01:48 +0000

In fairness, I had a guy talking so loudly on his mobile phone at a gig last week that I couldn’t hear my act. So I called him on it. Just stopped dead in the middle of a bit.

“Hey… Hey mate… OI, YOU, THE FAT CUNT (Yeh, I dropped the C bomb) ON THE PHONE. Yes, you, the obnoxious bastard. These people paid to hear me talk about my shit, not some obnoxious prick talking to his dealer about getting another hit for his fat crack whore of a wife. Now sit down and shut up or get the fuck out.”

He, umm, didn’t react too well and had to be dragged out by the bouncers.

Not the most professional way of dealing with him, I know, but just… what a dick.

By: Joel Fry

Joel Fry — Fri, 10 Apr 2009 19:21:47 +0000

Maybe they didn’t have jobs, and we’re in the mood to hear about one that doesn’t pay them. Peoria ain’t doing so hot right now, after all.

By: Dan Tessitore

Dan Tessitore — Fri, 10 Apr 2009 14:34:31 +0000

Here’s one I thought was brilliant when I wrote it, but when I had the opportunity to break it out, the audience disagreed:

“Look, you’ve got this whole comedy show thing backwards. MY job is to talk, YOUR job is to humor me.”

[cue silence]

By: Kandiman

Kandiman — Fri, 10 Apr 2009 07:17:52 +0000

Don’t forget the classic “Look, we got a funny man in the audience. You think you can do this? Why not come up here and prove it?”

By: Ricardo

Ricardo — Thu, 09 Apr 2009 15:46:28 +0000

…also don’t forget :

” Sir – why don’t you wear a condom on your head? You’re acting like a dick, so you may as well dress like one”

” This is what happens when the foetus doesn’t get enough oxygen, folks”

“Hey – if I want any shit from you, I’ll squeeze you head”

By: Dennis Laganiere

Dennis Laganiere — Wed, 08 Apr 2009 23:01:37 +0000

My gift to the board… Good but hacky heckler responses:

Look man, I grew up in the ghetto. I’ve been through your wallet, I know where you live, shut up, sit down.

I’m not really good with hecklers, but a friend who is
wrote something down for me. (read paper) Oh, yeah, “Fuck off!”

It’s alright, I remember the first time I had a beer.

Here’s an alcoholic who doesn’t want to remain anonymous.

I’m sorry, I don’t speak alcoholic.

You’re ugly, you’ve got a tiny dick, your mother’s a lousy fuck and nobody likes you – so shut the fuck up.

There’s only one way to find out if I’m gay – suck my dick and see if I come.

You couldn’t get laid in a whorehouse with a fistful of twenties.

(To a man who has just said “Fuck you!): “Fuck me and you’ll never go back to women.

Sorry, that was a low blow – Speaking of low blows, how’s your wife?

To a heckler who has failed to respond to an insult: “What’s the matter? Got your tongue caught in a zipper?”

This is my job. I don’t go to your work and knock the dick out of your mouth.

By: the token scot

the token scot — Wed, 08 Apr 2009 22:03:55 +0000

Hey, I don’t come down to your job and knock the burger out of your dick. Or something.